Blood on my hands
by 5Z8491
Summary: Title explains it really. Be warned its pretty dark ( and bad ).
1. Chapter 1

Steve has heard many people, including his companions, complain about the red in their ledgers... Especially Natasha. He's heard all of the avengers at least say it once. Everyone but him. Maybe they think Steve doesn't have any, or that he just doesn't care. But truth be told, it kills him. Not long ago he was on a mission and killed 20 people. He didn't kill all of them, most were innocents he couldn't save. But after that mission he had so much blood on his hands. He hated it.

His teammates congratulated him for killing the leader but the mans sticky blood was still there. Drying on his skin. He just smiled and thanked them quietly. Inside it was killing him. That man may have been evil but he still had a life, friends and family. He should have taken him into shield. It wasn't just that mans blood. There was even blood from those hostages he tried to save; still 3 hours of flying left. He just wanted to wash his hands that's all. Was it too much to ask. Maybe they could tell he was uncomfortable because they actually spoke to him

'You okay cap?' Clint asked.

'Fine.'

He really didn't feel like speaking. He just wanted to say,

'Oh god you guys. Can't you see my hands? Do you have any water at all?'

Of course, he didn't say that. He would just sound plain stupid. Everything was silent; he was drowning in the roaring silence, he was drowning and soon he would die.

 _Die._

He just wishes he could die. Many people are scared of death, what it brings. Steve is not one of those people; he wants to die, so badly. He's not suicidal. Honestly, he's not. He's only thought of it, he's never done anything. But seriously what would America say if their captain killed himself? Well that's a question for another day. As soon as they got back, he didn't even wait 'til the jet touched the ground he jumped out. He couldn't take it, most of it has dried but some remained, dripping on the ground beneath him. He was going insane,

The captain America was going insane.

He may have been wearing his uniform but captain America wasn't there, this was Steve. The vulnerable broken person that lies beneath the costume. The one with scars. Not on his wrists, his stomach, his thighs, his veins. But on his heart and mind. People are talking to him

'Captain can you...'

'Captain'

'Captain can I talk to you for...'

Everyone called him captain. Steve hates the captain. The captain ruined his life, now Steve is ruined. People want him for the captain. Steve looks around as he is storming to his room ( floor ) in the avengers tower. Some people are around him, smiling. They look happy.

 _Happy_.

Do you ever have a stomach ache and it hurts so much that you forgot what it feels like to be normal? To be without pain? To be able to move and do everyday things without feeling pain? That's kind of what depressions like. Steve has just been sad for so long he can't remember how it felt to smile and mean it. To be able to walk around without having that dull pain in his head. Yet other times, he feels... Numb. Nothing at all. Something will happen, where other people will burst into tears, still just sit there staring at a wall. Eventually, Steve made it to his room. He felt a bit relieved to be there.

He made his way to the sink; as he was about to wash his hands he noticed the blood on his face too. Mostly dried. He decided to shower, it would be better, after all. Steve just jumped in after peeling his suit off because, on his hands, it still dripped.

He felt the warm water wash his skin. It didn't make him feel warmer, nothing could, but the sensation was nice.

Steve never did have long showers yet he felt like he deserved this one. Oh who is he kidding? He doesn't deserve anything ( he would always tell himself) he has killed many people and not saved others.

'I'm a monster,' Steve says as he shuts the shower off,'Why did they pull me out the ice. I'm more frozen now than I was in the sea.'

Why? Was it worth it? They pulled the captain out the ice for one reason and one reason only... To use him as a weapon. In Steve's opinion, SHIELD is no better than hydra. Both of them destroy lives and use people for weapons. Just like Bucky. A frown immediately washed over his face. He failed Bucky, he let him fall. It's his fault hydra used him as a weapon. Everything is his fault. Everything.

'Why am I here' he whispers softly.

Steve shudders slightly when Jarvis speaks to him ( he still wasn't in the swing of things. )

'Captain Rogers, the rest of your team are waiting downstairs. They have made you something to eat.'

Steve rolls his eyes lightly. He doesn't want to eat, infact he hasn't eaten for the past four days. He's just lost his appetite that's all. He finishes getting dressed and heads to go downstairs anyway. On his way out, he passed a mirror and unintentionally looked at his reflection. Oh how he wished he hadn't. Blood everywhere. Sticking to his face, turning into a disgusting shade of red. He tried rubbing at it, nothing. He checked his hands. You couldn't even see his skin. It was so painful to look at he actually started to laugh. Laughs slowly turned into sobs. So much blood on his hands.

-The next morning-

Since they hadn't seen Steve last night and he hadn't shown up for breakfast this morning the team were curious.

'Maybe he's just tired?' Bruce suggested.

'I doubt he fell asleep straight away' replied Tony.

They decided to wait a few more minutes, minutes turned into hours. As a result, Tony went into his room.

'Cap? Rogers? Quit messing around come out.' No reply. Maybe he's just gone out for a run. Everything seemed in place so it wasn't like hydra had taken him or anything. Tony noticed a camera on his bedside table. On it, there was a video taken last night and on it was Steve Tony hit play:

 ** _Hey guys. Or whoever is viewing this. You're probably watching this video because you haven't seen me for a while. Well I can explain that to you. I can't take it anymore. The blood it's not going away!_**

 ** _( Steve lifted his hands to show them- Tony's eyebrow raised because they were perfectly clean )_**

 ** _I've scrubbed them for hours. They're still stained. ( a tear actually escaped from the captains- Steve's eye )And I just... Anyway, I cant let more people's blood stain them. Only one more persons will._**

 ** _That person is me. Im sorry._**

Silence.

I'm sorry this is so bad. I wrote it when I was bored in French (please review )


	2. Chapter 2

This is straight after Steve made the video. Review on this please! And I wrote this whilst listening to 400 lux by lorde and then photograph by ed sheeran.

 _Red_.

It's all Steve could see. He was losing his mind because he could _feel_ the colour red. Feel. It's all nonsense really. Steve had already packed a bag for a situation like this; so it didn't take long for him to get out of the tower and onto his Harley, thank god. He couldn't take it much longer.

Feeling this wind blow on his face whilst driving through the midnight sky felt good, but he still didn't feel better. Steve felt like he was being followed yet he really couldn't be bothered. He was exhausted both mentally and physically. He knew it couldn't be one of the avengers because they would've already tried to stop him. After half an hour Steve finally arrived at his safe house; it was a tiny run down apartment but it would do, and no one knew the address but him and one other person. That one other person (most likely) couldn't remember though. Shame.

It was not until Steve pulled the contents out of his bag that the figure revealed itself. 'What have you got there?'

Bucky

'Well hello yes come in,' Steve spoke unenthusiastic,' a book and an old stereo that plays 40's music. You know like the ones we dance to-'

'What's that object shining in your bag... Steve?' He interrupted.

Steve leg off a light laugh and brought the object into view. It was a 22. Bucky didn't look surprised. Infact, he didn't acknowledge it,

'I've been remembering the past,' Bucky started,' the memories are resurfacing. You would always smile and I would laugh. We grew up in the depression but life was great. Except when your mom died, you refused to move in with me and I said-'

'You remember that?!' Steve was impressed.

'I'm with you till the end of the line, pal.' Bucky allowed his lips to turn slightly upwards,' that still counts. But Steve, you're not like you used to be. You smiled a lot. And now you don't. I... I miss you.'

Steve isn't sure if Bucky heard him but he sighed

'Me too.'

For the next hour, they both sat in silence. Bucky stood gazing out the window and Steve ( a million thoughts going through his head ) sat on his bed, staring at the gun in his hands. Oh how he wishes he could say something but nothing comes out his mouth. It's hard to speak when you're... Broken. Steve wants to talk about the torture of being half frozen and of losing everyone but how can people expect him to talk about his demons when they're sitting on his lungs?

Steve's chest was aching. His heart was beating; he felt so empty. He should be thrilled that Bucky remembers but he can't feel any joy whatsoever. And it hurts it really does. Steve looks back at his hands

Red.

He did hate the colour red, it clouded his vision and stained everything in its path. Once something gets stained red, it doesn't go back the same colour ever again. When Steve shut his eyes all he saw was red. It's hard to sleep when you can't see black. Maybe that's why he doesn't sleep. Bucky was his best friend. His brother; so why couldn't he speak to him now? It's because Bucky had changed a lot ( this wasn't that big a problem ) this wasn't the Bucky that when Steve shut his eyes, he still saw the stars, this wasn't the Bucky that gave up his blankets so Steve wouldn't get cold, this was the Bucky that was the light in the darkness.

'Do you want a drink?' Steve croaked. Bucky just nodded. He handed him orange juice from his bag. Bucky looked slightly amused

'It's all I could grab' Steve reasoned

'Aren't you glad that this hasn't changed,' Bucky started,'most stuff is the same in here; everywhere else is different, the building, streets and heck, even the people.'

'You're not wrong,' was all Steve could whisper out. He pulled a photograph of him and Bucky (before he got the serum) out of his ripped jeans,' I want you to have this.' He still kept his left hand firmly on the gun.

'You still have this. Why are you giving it to me?' His jaw dropped in astonishment.

'Did you mean it?' Steve said ignoring his question.

'Did I mean what?' He frowned

'When you said you were with me till the end of the line?'

'Of course.' Bucky looked confused, Steve had never questioned his friendship before, and frankly he was quite offended,' why?'

Bucky was faced with silence from Steve.

Steve just kept looking at the gun in his hand and all the red surrounding it' so much red. He picked up the stereo and started playing a song on it. His lips curled up a bit.

'It's the end of the line.'

 _Black_.


	3. Chapter 3

Black it's all he saw now. It was quite calming really, it wasn't like the ice this was...different. In a good way obviously. Pulling the trigger was the best thing he'd ever done, even better than standing up for freedom. That's exactly the point, he'd stood up for justice, freedom and equality but Captain America was never free or any of those things. He wasn't human. Humans fall and have weaknesses, Captain America doesn't.

 **Beep...Beep...Beep.**

He could hear that noise in the background. It was a steady beat and he liked it. The ice was silence, the only thing making a noise was his mind screaming for rescue. Every day in the ice he had dreams of death and warmth. Those two things he's spent decades searching for.

 **Beep...Beep...Beep.**

This couldn't be death, it wasn't... It didn't feel right. This was just black, just black. Everything. Just. Black. The only thing except black was the beeping. Suddenly, the beeping sped until...

 _'STEVEN,' his mother shouted,'What are you doing? You should be resting. You might get ill. AGAIN.' When his mother used that tone of voice, it terrified poor little nine year old him,_

 _'Sorry Ma,' he looked up and dropped his cleaning tools,' I was trying to be useful.'_

 _Sarah Rogers elegantly walked over to Steve,_

 _'Oh Steve,' she spoke before her voice went cold,'you'll never be useful.'_

He can't even count how many times similar flashbacks occurred like that. Each time, they got more violent, he did love her though. She would slap his soft cheek sometimes but she was his mother. She was all he had, along with Bucky. Bucky was everything he needed yet all he wanted.

 _Then he had to fall._

He couldn't blame it on Bucky, he was the one who didn't catch him. He failed him. Yet no matter what, his face couldn't leave his mind. It was like a melody. As there's no cure for memory, naturally, he tried to get drunk. It was almost laughable, he couldn't get drunk; he couldn't even forget for just a few hours and maybe do something stupid. The serum was truly a curse and a blessing. So every time he went to sleep, he found himself wishing to stay in the dreams of Bucky. Wishing to not wake up. Oh God he wished he were dead.

There was no Bucky except in his dreams. Slowly those dreams turned to nightmares when the winter soldier happened. That wasn't even Bucky. He remembers Bucky telling him how sometimes, he changes into he winter soldier and he can't help it. Sort of like Steve and the captain. Oh who is he kidding? Steve Rogers is a completely different man. The friends he had that called him Steve were dead.

 **Beep... Beep... Beep**.

The captains eyes opened. Bucky was sat next to his bed mumbling about something. All this time he wasn't dead, just in a coma.

'Steve! You're awake.' The man smiled, he'd had a haircut.

The Captain tried to smile, he really did but he was just disappointed.

'You flatlined once, not long ago actually. I noticed your heartbeat bit quicker and then, gone. For a minute.' Bucky's smile faded.

'I've missed you,Buck.' The man nodded in understanding and left.

The next few days were like that. Small talk mostly with silence Bucky would stay all the visiting hours. And when the nurses told him he needed to leave? He nodded in understanding and left. Every time.

Whenever that happened, The Captain- Steve was left alone with only the noise of his heartbeat. ( he had to admit, the noise of his heartbeat was beginning to annoy the hell out of him.)

 **Beep... Beep... Beep.**

On the sixth day, it was mostly the same. Except Bucky looked uncomfortable,

'Steve, you look miserable. Can't I do anything? Is it something I've done? Please I love you.'

 **Beep... Beep... Beep**.

He did his signature smile and spoke,

'I love you, Buck. But you should've let me die.'

 **Beep... Beep... Beep.**

Buck- the winter soldier nodded in understanding,

And snapped the mans neck.

 **Nothing.**

 ** _I kinda hate myself for doing this... If you hate it too i will change it. But for now I think this is completed._**


End file.
